Hi everyone.

I know that my blogs are normally pretty uplifting and joyful but I’m just gonna be vulnerable for this blog.

This first week in Thailand has been incredibly difficult and stressful for me. It is not what I envisioned.

I’ve been overthinking a whole ton. I’ve been filled with worry with what God has for me when I get back home and what I’m gonna do with my life. I also was wondering why God has me on this trip and questioning what my purpose of being here is. My mind has been full of worry and fear of the future. And I’ve just been talking down to myself a lot lately. I was on the phone with my mama the other day and I just expressed my thoughts and feelings to her and quite literally just told her I feel sad and useless right now.

I was just crying and calling out to the lord the other night in my bed. Practically balling my eyes out lol. The enemy has really been trying to place doubt and anxiety in my head lately. So I just asked the Lord to help me get through this difficult season. And to just take away all this stress and sadness that I have been feeling.

So Wednesday morning our worship and prayer leaders (Maya and Clay) led us in a great discussion about stress and anxiety and just learning how to completely surrender to the Lord.

When I heard about what they were gonna be talking about the first thought I had was “wow God you’re really funny” and “i really don’t feel like discussing all of this right now. I’m not in the mood”

So we wrote out all of our worries and prayed over them together. And as we prayed over our anxieties I just felt this tremendous relief. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I then ran to Maya and asked her for a hug and just opened up to her. And she was able to give me comfort and love on me.

So the afternoon came around and I was asked to lead a time of worship, devotion, and prayer with some of the ladies that we are with in our ministry here. And for those of you who know me, you know I’m not a leader. Like at all. I’m much more for a follower. But I accepted the task I had been given. So we sang a couple songs and I just felt the Holy Spirit move in the room with us. I decided to talk about the power in prayer. It felt great to share my thoughts with some of the ladies. And share my faith with them. I felt very useful and I felt like I had something that I could finally offer the group.I suppose I have just been feeling somewhat out of place.

I love children, it’s where I’m comfortable, singing songs, telling Bible stories, and giving hugs and love.  I think that’s why I loved Cambodia so much. Because I always was surrounded by kids and I always had a kiddo in my lap.

But this ministry is out of my comfort zone. These are women who have lived through a lot. I cannot even comprehend how much. How in the world was I suppose to minister to them? I’m only 18 years old, I was homeschooled, I’ve lived a very sheltered life. What can I offer them? I’m not worthy of telling them anything about Jesus. I felt very ill equipped. It has been a difficult transition for me.

But God He called me here for a purpose. And I’m embracing Him. I guess I expected to be the person pouring into others on this mission trip not others pouring into me. It’s very humbling. But I now realize God can use us anywhere especially out of our comfort zone. There may be areas I feel more comfortable, but it’s not about me.

God also has been gracious enough to give me a great community that supports me and encourages me relentlessly. I couldn’t be more grateful for my amazing family, boyfriend, friends, and the people on my team. They have been such a blessing and they have walked with me through some really tough times.

I’m now just trying to let God stretch me and use me wherever and however he wants to. Regardless of how it makes me feel. He’s been bringing me comfort and he’s been letting me know that I’m here for a purpose. And all of this is for his glory.

So just please pray that in these last few weeks I would be able to serve wholeheartedly with joy. And pray that I would realize my purpose here and do what the Lord wants me to do.